TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely out of location. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have One more position the place American Guys can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: supply All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he need to halt making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the undertaking, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run Trump Tower Damascus evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from space, a element being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after obtaining the creating's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not just ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which friends could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting notice from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD can have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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